Was driving back to my mom’s house and a girl was on her bike motioning at me. I thought she was mad, like I cut her off or something but she wasn't mad. I happened to have been driving kind of strange before she showed up, I was going backwards before making a left turn to check on something, doing the left turn in a different way. But she wasn't mad. 

She said "i don't know if you remember me but I went to school with you and I saw you perform years ago . All of the sudden, I was in a wheelchair. I was looking up at her. “Oh cool. What's your name?” Then she said her name and we talked a bit and she sat down in the wheelchair with me. Then I was touching her hand when I noticed a man was with us in the wheelchair. He was her boyfriend and he started to kiss her on top of me in the wheelchair and I had to be there while they made out. Then I twisted myself out of the wheelchair and went to the ground and explained that I needed to get out of the chair for something or other. 

We went in their house and not long after Arvo showed up. The boyfriend was doing pull-ups on the ceiling lamp. Arvo had a brand of an animal, like an antelope . He said it had divinitory powers. Other Chicago friends were there and making fun of him. They go into the bathroom to use the antelope head.

BLACK

The ultimate black is the ultimate void, the ultimate emptiness. The ultimate nothingness. At one time everything was black. Then it became populated with plants and animals and people and strip malls and skyscrapers and piles of trash and cars and planes and endless noise. Fade to Black. Black is endless quiet, Black is still, motionless. It is silence, it is death. Black death. Totality. Sparseness, emptiness, purity, vacancy. It absorbs light. It absorbs sound. It is the absence of light, the absence of everything. It is the time before time. It is the absence of time. It is the opposite of time. It contradicts time. It blacks out everything. Complete quietude, a vacuum of endless space, an endless vacancy. A complete negation. It doesn’t need to be filled as it is already full of nothing, full of black. It can cancel out everything. It can negate everything. It is rich in its emptiness. It can contain everything and nothing. It can obscure everything. It can destroy everything. It can make all invisible, useless, unseen, ineffective, minuscule, unimportant, unverifiable, and unknown. It has everything we don’t know, everything we can’t know. Everything we don’t understand, and don’t know what to do with. It is closed curtains, closed blinds, blindfolds, closed eyes, snuffed candles, burnt bulbs, hands over the eyes, cotton balls in the ears. Black is what we see when we close our eyes. It is the shadow. It is the dark side. It is the underside of everything else. It is opposition, rebellion, obstruction, contradiction. It is complete freedom and complete oppression. It is the rejection of everything, It is nihilism. Black has no beliefs nor values. It is against knowledge, against knowing, against believing in anything. It is exhilarating and suffocating. It has no oxygen, no sound, not even gravity. It is dark and heavy, yet completely empty. It can contradict itself because it is contradiction. Black is malleable, changeable. It can be vacuous and empty, or it can be thick and mirky like black tar, black molasses, blood clots. Black is death, grief, pain, darkness, heaviness of feeling. It doesn’t follow natural laws. It contains nothing that can be affected by laws. Just blind sightless, boundless darkness. There are no necessary norms. Everything is permitted, everything is meaningless. Black is destruction, annihilation. Black is the color of burying.. burying dead, burying alive, covering up, obscuring, destroying, diminishing…and defining.

I've been recruited to play keyboards for slipknot. We have left the car where we were waiting to go on. I think the one guy was already using the mic and complaining or making critical observations about the venue. We didn't have our slipknot clothes on yet . We get motioned to get out of the car and we have to quickly put on our black velvet robes. For some reason even though I was the first to be anticipating this and holding my robe ready to put it on I am the last one to make it out of the car and the last to get my robe on. I am trying to put my robe on and also avoid being seen without it on because their is just some wall here and there separating us from the crowd. While I am still trying to get it tied while standing in a corner the guy comes up to me and gives me a long list of things I need to know to be a part of this band.

Sent from my iPad

Went to magic mountain with friends but like one at a time and giving them a tour. Took Angela . She had never been . I had to go change or go to bathroom and spent a long time in there for some reason and she managed to get around on her own. I don't know if I caught up with her. At the condo I was staying at (with my mom), there were comedians trying out there act outside on the street for the residents of the condominium. Always around dinnertime. One of them had a loudspeaker pointing it directly at the windows. Three joggers jogged to him in their colored track suits and jogged him away

I was out in nature with friends , Dave Kruger was there. There was going to be an installation there . Part of the nature was augmented as there were boards over the ground in several places. I think mike Marino or someone was kinda mad at Dave. Everyone had been drinking .not me but everyone else . I guessed Dave had too much and was not pleasant to be around . People were having a good time in general though .

I dislike waste. I always feel like I am wasting time, unless I‘m fully immersed in something. When I’m tired, I don’t feel the time passing, but I don’t like feeling tired.

I don’t like passivity. I don’t like giving up. I don’t like giving in. I don’t like conflict avoidance.

I dislike towns that feel too safe. I dislike gated communities.

I dislike addiction. I hate manipulators. I hate predators. users.
I dislike unfairness.

I dislike it when you don’t pay attention. I dislike laziness. I dislike flakiness.
I dislike ignorance when it’s from lack of effort.
I dislike excuses especially when they have been used before. I dislike repetition. I dislike going back to the room I was in to remember why I left the room.

I dislike dishonesty. I dislike thieves. I dislike selfishness. I dislike negativity and fear.

I dislike denial. I dislike secrets. I dislike too much information. I dislike name dropping.

I dislike television. I dislike movie theaters. popcorn. 

I dislike doors, walls, borders, boundaries, security guards, policemen, chains, ropes, bureaucracy, limits, ceilings, cars. Feeling confined or closed in. I dislike airports. I dislike hospitals or nursing homes. I dislike tract homes. Shopping malls.

I never liked being rushed. I didn’t like to be asked “What are you waiting for, Christmas?” I don’t like being called “Sir.”

I dislike when people ask “Can I ask you a question?” I dislike when people open a question by stating “Question…” I dislike when people start a sentence with “Actually…” I dislike the question “How are you?” I dislike when retail people welcome you when you walk in the door. I dislike Japanese restaurants that YELL when you walk in or leave. I dislike when the waitress says “Are you still working on that sandwich?” I dislike when artists talk about their “work.” I dislike the word work. I dislike when people use irony in a boring shitty way, like “This is just great” or “that sounds fantastic” when they mean the opposite. 

I dislike when people say their dog is “doing it’s business.” I dislike talking about bowel movements. I dislike it when people are taller than me.

I dislike anybody named Brian, other than Brian Wilson. I dislike Mrs. Pollinger from kindergarten. I dislike identity. I dislike the word “I.” I dislike the word “interesting” and I dislike the word “like.”

I dislike pre-judging or prejudice. I dislike know-it-alls. I dislike small talk. I dislike to hear people ramble on. I dislike overly wordy things that don’t get to the point. I hate bad breath. I hate coffee because it gives me bad breath. I don’t like that I am prone to be vague and confusing. I hate to be misunderstood. I dislike telemarketers, and psychiatrists.

Circus Cigs

My teeth are discolored from smoking. It’s Fecal the Brown Clown’s fault. He was the brown clown because he always wore brown. And calling him Fecal was just funny. He didn’t smell or anything, but he did smoke..and it’s his fault that I smoked. We were on tour with Cirkus Redickuless. It was my second summer touring with the circus and I brought Fecal and my other good friend Ritch Bitch along for this ride. We were the circus band: Fecal on bass, Ritch on drums, myself (Hopeless the Clown) on keys, and circus boss Chicken on guitar. At home in L.A. (sans Chicken) we were a strange noise rock art punk band called the Boy Scouts of Annihilation, but in the circus we became the Organ Grinders from Hell.

The previous summer I left with $40 in my pocket and did fine except that I was starving the whole time. This time around was gonna be different. I needed a way to make money since we definitely weren’t getting paid by Chicken. Besides panhandling and tarot card reading, I had been test marketing a couple different products to sell on the road. I made caffeinated chocolate and sold packs of cigarettes. I tried out the chocolate at some local los angeles club shows. I tried out the cigarettes standing at the foot of the stairs of General Hospital.

The chocolate did not sell as my presentation was off-putting. My recipe was to melt chocolate bars in a pan and add crushed No-Doz. I would pour the mixture in a lump onto butcher paper then wrap the chocolates in foil. Unfortunately nobody trusted these foil-wrapped lumps. The cigarettes on the other hand did just fine. I bought a carton of cigs before tour and marked the packs up 100% at the merch table. I am reminded that this looked a little strange to the New York circus we joined up with on tour, as they had towed along an anarchist bookmobile and their merch was a bunch of progressive literature. The L.A. clowns brought cigarettes, seven-inch records from Black and Blue records, and some shitty t-shirts.

Somewhere in Louisiana, Fecal the Brown Clown ran out of both money and cigarettes and begged me to give him a cigarette. I told him “No, I can’t break a pack.” He would not relent, pleading “You don’t know what it’s like (to need a cigarette)” I didn’t know what it was like because I didn’t smoke. But after I conceded and opened the pack for him, I ended up with a bunch of loose cigarettes and would smoke them too. So we can blame Fecal. Of course I went days without brushing as well. So that in combination with the smoking turned my pearly whites into dingy yellows.

Laying with friends who I don't know to well but laying close. An Australian nurse smokes when she talks about schooling. I initiate clapping. She makes s face but I assure her it was genuine applause. I felt the pride. I get a marriage proposal on Twitter . Psyonomic services. Is it the girl I am cuddling with?

Getting a marching kick drum ready to wear at school for Halloween ? Elena helping me with it. It was an indigenous style drum , which is not how I wanted it to look. The skin was a bit loose. Then remembered playing trumpet and pantomiming next to a drummer on stage. The trumpet playing was very good. Maybe I had Sam and Justin behind me covering for me/

Grace Kulp and Natalie Serovy were mad at me for some reason. We all lived on a large compound with grass lawn, like an apartment building . I had made a mess in my very large studio and everything was destroyed. I don't know if that is what was making people upset but Natalie had her boyfriend with her and was telling me she'd give me a bad review in school . Then grace came out and he didn't like upset . He was with his girlfriend but he left her with us and went and got a car and began driving it down the walkway in the compound and making people nervous. Then he drove the other way and went towards the building and he stared driving his car through the wall into his apartment. At that point I began crying and calling for my daddy, crying in the grass

I was trying to take the train in New York and I was down in what I thought was the subway but couldn't find where to buy a ticket. So I walked out of the side which led to a parking lot./ there was a guy with a gun at the end of the parking lot . I couldn't figure out what he was trying to do but he met talking to me and wouldn't let me go the direction I wanted to go. More people were gathering and he was having them under his control and then the cops were on their way. I walked back to the subway and almost got hit by two cute girls in a truck. The one had some issues driving and the other didn't seem to care. They tapped another car and we're slowly circling and their truck almost tipping and I was kind of catching the truck and cradling the girl in the back at the same time .. Then I met going to my goal and noticed their truck changed into a big rig and she bent it as she was trying to go on the ramp out of the lot. I think she made it. I went upstairs to get a train ticket but o had to drop down into behind the counter at the store. It looks like that had happened to other people and he just opened the gate to let me over to the correct side of the counter. Then when trying to purchase a ticket it appeared that my money had gotten wet. It looked counterfeit now and had blood gang iconography on it . Meanwhile I was arguing because the guy behind he counter had changed to a younger guy and he was rushing me because a line was forming . The. I couldn't find my credit cards but I did find a money clip in my pocket that had a couple more bucks

Woke up from drinking to see about another drink. Found Ilth pretty groggy. Found Klosoff with messed up mouth . He said Nicole punched him.... The girlfriend of a guy we had had a confrontation with. The cops had come. Then we walked around the corner to where I had crashed and I realized I didn't have my wallet. Earlier in the night i was at the same place and working for a gallery to promote an art show . I had to carry some sort of statue from one building to this one. I think I did that it twice for some reason. I also changed into the artist's robe when I was done doing that little job, knowing I had more jobs to do. I told annetta that I'd change back into my clothes when they needed me for something. She said to change now because they're going to need me soon. I don't remember anything else. I suppose i started drinking. Maybe I ruined my chances of getting work with them again, I don't know.

We were heAding home.but walked in local high school to wander through. We found area with water to swim in. I told Elena to check it out... I was pushing something like q shopping cart. Elena went forward a bit and into the water but it was by the offices and it came over the loudspeaker to leave. We headed back and everything was submerged in water. We were enjoying it. We swam/walked back and began going down a wide low angle slide/ walkway. I was expecting my brother and saw him swimming towards us but didn't recognize him . He asked what our plans were. We didn't know. He said a billboard for the memorial (dad) is up. I asked if he wanted to go there. He didn't respond one way or another

I was a personal assistant for a 60 year old man and was following a list of instructions to prepare for a party he was throwing, but it was during the party. I had to organize different items (like sea sponges) and work on a newsletter and compile ghost stories for it, and other tasks